Delirium: a state of severe confusion and disorientation. It is often accompanied by hallucinations, delusions, and disturbances in consciousness.
A couple of days after arriving at the island of Crete, in Greece, I felt a tiny irritation in the back of my throat. Two days after that, I could barely walk in a straight line, and my mind was nearly gone.
I rotated between the bed, the hot tub, the couch, and patio where I lay in the sun when it wasn’t too intense. Such a gorgeous view, rested upon a hill looking down on the large town, hugging itself against the beautiful shoreline.
I lost track of the days, canceled all my meetings, and ignored almost all incoming messages. My solace, the saving grace, was in the support of my partner, who cared for me as I traveled through the stages of this sickness.
The worst day was when I entered this realm of delirium. I lay in bed, shifting between hot and cold, sweating and shivering, and nothing made sense to me anymore. My life, my work, everything past and future, it all seemed… wrong and misplaced.
In that moment, it was like I wanted to pick up the phone and cancel any orders I placed, any plans I had, and any commitments I made. I was so done. I wanted to run away into a life of obscurity, a life where no one would look to me for answers, guidance, support, or encouragement of any kind.
The remnants of this have left me feeling quite fragile, quite vulnerable.
Now, as I climb out of this… dark hole of confusion and despair, a small amount of color has been restored. The green landscape is starting to look green again, rather than a shade of something dull and annoying. The surrounding mountains bring that sense of something majestic, reminding me of how beautiful “Life” is.
This heart, though, is still tender.
Mostly, I’m struck by the fragile nature of the mind, and how an illness like this, or even life circumstances, can spiral one’s experience into a state of delirium. It reminds me to be ever so gentle, and to be vigilant of the mind’s state of “health.” Even though there was the experience of “losing my mind,” I was very much in touch with that awareness before the mind, I could see it happening without getting too lost in the “happening.”
Things still feel unclear about what steps I will or won’t take next. Maybe it’s time for a breather, especially as I settle into a new home country. I really don’t know. I’m still recovering.
I do feel a deep appreciation, though, for you, the reader, of these words I share. Sometimes, I wonder why anyone would be interested at all, but somehow and for whatever reason, people seem to find genuine value and some enjoyment.
So, thank you, for being…
If sharing my experience touches your life in a positive way, I’m honored 🙏
Okay, I’m going back to resting.
Until next time, I’m sending you a huge hug.
P.S. One thing that does seem clear: I definitely want to have my next March 2024 Retreat here on the Island of Crete for about 12 people. Ugh, that does feel good, and I think I found the perfect 8-bedroom house for it. That is something I really, really, really do enjoy, gathering with sweet and open hearts, and we rest and relax in the beauty and raw authenticity of what it is to be human.