I was traumatized by God. Or, at least, that’s what I had believed so strongly at one point in my life.
To clarify, I first have to address this word… God. It’s a funny/curious word to me because the definition of the word is drastically different depending on who is using the word. The word itself is inherently empty, and then we as individuals paint a picture according to our conditioning (what we were taught).
Furthermore, this comedy is made even more clear whenever I use this word in social media posts. The comments and messages I receive make it so obvious that we are not talking about the same thing.
And, I would suggest that many, like myself, have had what I will playfully call “God Trauma.”
This is where our association with a church or the concept of God has led to painful beliefs and assumptions that diminished our worth and value. Then, naturally, we blame the association for our experience of pain; “it’s because of that thing that I feel this way,” which is completely understandable.
For some, innocently, even the mention of the word “God,” triggers a pushing away or rejection (trauma response) of any statements that use the word. Equally, there could be a clinging to the word as well.
What I find so fascinating, is that I’m not experiencing the statements or the words that others are using, what I’m experiencing is “my world,” my interpretations; I’m literally looking on the inside of what I am and seeing what has been created.
I’m listening to myself, and what I hear is a reflection of what exists on the inside of what I am.
This example, with the word God, in a way… shows me deep insight into all the trauma I’ve experienced. The insight points me to see the very innocent misunderstanding in it all.
I wasn’t traumatized by God, I was traumatized by my innocent misunderstanding of what I was experiencing.
And… no, this doesn’t blame myself for the trauma; anytime blame is used, it’s simply another misunderstanding.
It is through “misunderstanding” that real understanding can arise.
It is through painful/fearful misunderstanding that joyful/loving understanding can arise.
It all goes together. The pain is an alarm, an alarm that says… “There is a misunderstanding, there is something out of alignment here with the truth of things.”
Pain is helpful, yet, through a further misunderstanding… we tend to think (through our conditioning) that pain is in the way, rather than ‘the way.’
For the traumatic experience (for yourself or others), what is called for, what is most appropriate, is compassion for the experience and the individual. Like… “It’s totally okay that you feel that way.”
Like… “Of course you feel that way.”
This compassion, this acceptance, lays a foundation that can allow the confusion to unravel itself, that allows the confusion to be looked at honestly, and openly. And with new eyes. Eyes that are willing to see something new.
Ugh…
My heart is so open to it all right now; it’s all okay, and if you’re hurting… I’m so sorry and I love you. If you are doing quite well, I love you too, let’s share that love with others.
