Quote: “Interestingly, in my attempt to get away from that which I can’t get away from, as I run, it creates the appearance that it’s chasing me. As I hide, it creates the appearance of always finding me.”
(Very short Summary)
TL;DR: In this Insight Letter, I explore the fear, insecurity, and confusion that we all experience at some point in our lives. I suggest that instead of trying to fix these feelings, we should embrace them as a way to find our way back home and make peace with what is true. By surrendering to this truth, we can stop fighting, running, or hiding and open ourselves up to love and the great miracles that life has to offer. Join me on this journey of self-discovery, and let’s explore together.
The Letter (about 8 minute read time)
I see that within myself, there is a fear that is both sad and angry. Additionally, I recognize an insecurity that hides itself, as I observe how it pretends that it is not insecure; often even fooling myself that it is not really there.
What am I afraid of?
Well, the mind’s list is too long to write out here. If I were to ask my heart, the answer is much more concise and to the point.
- I fear the loss of what I’m holding on to, which, in some way, is the hope that I might one day never be afraid again.
What am I insecure about?
My goodness, so many things. Yet, when the heart speaks, it says…
- It feels as though something in me is fundamentally broken and not enough, and I’m undeserving of the love I both desperately and secretly crave.
They go together…
The fear and insecurity, of course, are irreversibly tied together and summarized in the statement, “I’m afraid I’m not enough, and I’m afraid I never will be enough.”
- I’m afraid of being afraid, and I’m insecure about feeling insecure.
The Inescapable Conundrum
How many years and how much energy have I expended trying to fix this fear and insecurity? And more importantly, how much of that effort was really just me running away from it and looking for somewhere to hide?
I’ve hidden behind the things of this world, behind other people, behind my thoughts, beliefs, and ideas – using my human intellect and a collection of cute spiritual phrases.
- “Where can I go to escape this?”
Such a question as this hides behind the question of… “How can I fix this?”
What I find fascinating, which is also the conundrum, is that there are infinitely many places to hide, infinite paths that might promise a solution. Yet, all of those places where we hide and all of those roads we travel bring me right back to the original problem I was trying to resolve.
- The fearful inadequacy of not being enough
What If… I’m Confused?
This is where we take a leap. I understand that this brief writing may not completely bridge the gap, but I will attempt to indicate where I see all this confusion leading.
The fundamental approach is wrong, or, rather, there is a confusion that incorrectly assumes there is a problem that’s not really a problem at all.
- The confusion says, “I must get away from this.”
Well, how’s that going?
Since I keep coming back to this fear and insecurity, while running away in a thousand different directions, I’m clearly not getting away from it.
Interestingly, in my attempt to get away from that which I can’t get away from, as I run, it creates the appearance that it’s chasing me. As I hide, it creates the appearance of always finding me.
Just like this 20-second video of a child who’s scared of her shadow.
Is it really chasing me? Well, only if I’m running from it; such is the nature of a shadow.
The Confused Assumptions
- Fear and insecurity should not be
- Fear and insecurity are in the way
- Fear and insecurity are against me
- Fear and insecurity are the enemy
Something More True…
Continuing in our leap, I want to suggest something and then make a case for why…
Reframing the Assumptions
- Fear and insecurity are supposed to be there
- Fear and insecurity are THE way back home
- Fear and insecurity are trying to help you
- Fear and insecurity are a friend sharing wisdom with you
Two important questions…
- What if I’m running away (or hiding) from something that’s actually trying to help me?
- What if I’m trying to fix something that was never broken?
You see, we assume the solution is somewhere “out there,” somewhere not here right now. In fact, we assume that Life (Reality) has somehow made a mistake, and we must force a version of reality that we believe will fix the mistake.”
We assume the truth is false, and what is false should be true.
- We assume “what is” should not be, and what “is not” should be.
Such an assumption makes it impossible to just… Be. Such an assumption makes “running away” the only option, again, only bringing us back to “what is.”
I’m afraid of God? (The Fear of Truth)
Maybe it’s another leap, but I hope this “pointer” can bring clarity. Please allow me to speak directly here while playing with words.
Man’s struggle can be illustrated as…
- I’m trying to be God, rather than letting God be God.
In other words…
- I’m trying to make life about me, rather than allowing Life to be about Life.
In more words…
- I’m trying to gain control over or hold on to that which is not mine to control or hold on to.
The thing that I fear… is the Truth of Life itself.
This, spiritually and religiously speaking, is to say… I’m only afraid of God.
Maybe more practically, it’s also to say… I’m only afraid of what’s true.
What is THE TRUTH that I’m afraid of?
- The truth that only God can be God (in a manner of speaking)
- The truth that I cannot hold on to (or control) what I want to hold on to.
- The truth that what I want to be personal (about me) is not personal (about me).
- The truth that who I “think” I am doesn’t matter/isn’t real (insecurity).
The Truth of Insecurity
If insecurity is tied to fear, and fear is to fear what is true, then what is true about insecurity?
Insecurity is ultimately a question of identity.
- “I question and doubt my worth and value.”
“My” worth and value is to assume that such worth and value are separate from Life’s worth and value. Again, loosely playing with words, this is like saying… “Okay, I see that God is God, but what about me? I want to be god, too.”
I’m going to fast-forward a bit here to a conclusion that clarifies the whole dilemma about personal identity and the separation between man and God, or the separation between man and reality.
- Quote: “The man who thinks about who he is does not see what he truly is. He only sees who he imagines himself to be. This imaginary self cannot be found and will never be found in reality.”
In shorter words…
- A self that is not real will forever be an insecure self.
Of course, in a traditional sense, we are talking about the ego; which is a self that exists as a construct in the mind. Whatever we ‘think’ about ourselves is to ‘think’ about an ego. Every thought about yourself is to think about a self that exists in the mind.
Very clearly, this self that we think ourselves to be is… imaginary.
To say it directly, and gently… (as a pointer)
- That which is imaginary is not worthy of that which is real.
What this is pointing towards is clarification about that quest or seeking, which is ultimately trying to have what is unreal to find what is real.
- What is unreal is desperately trying to avoid the truth of its non-reality.
- Who I think I am is running away from the truth that I don’t exist while trying to make myself exist.
In other words…
- The ego is running away from God while trying to be god and creating hell for itself in the process.
The Truth of the Matter…
The truth of the matter is: It makes perfect sense why this self that I think I am feels insecure.
- Why? Because it’s not real.
Because what is unreal is inherently insecure. Insecurity for the imaginary self is inevitable and unavoidable.
Here are the two questions, at least for me.
- Do I fight this truth and lose again? This comes with a repeated pattern of running (trying to control) and creating even more problems.
- Or do I surrender to this truth and give myself back to God/Life?
What does this look like?
- To fight and run away is to suffer from my fear of losing what I’m holding on to. This includes all manner of emotional disturbances, such as blame, resentment, anger, and so on.
- It’s not so much that I “choose” to surrender. Rather, I see that there’s no other real option. In battle, no one surrenders when they have other options. Surrender comes when it’s seen that there’s nowhere to go. If I’m still fighting or holding on, it’s because I think I can win; I’m still under the spell of this illusion.
Who I think I am is broken because who I think I am is not real. Obviously, the invitation is not to fix who I think I am; this would simply be to create a new imaginary self that I will soon discover is also not real. This would keep me in a perpetual loop of looking for something real in the unreal world of imagination.
What I fear is fearing what is true, and the way out of fear is to make peace with what is true; rather than surviving an impossible fight against what’s true.
Fear and insecurity are trying to help me see what’s true.
- Fear is saying… make peace with this truth.
- Insecurity is saying… stop trying to be something you’re not.
2nd Short Conclusion
I love writing about these things. I enjoy looking inward and exploring what is real and true, beyond the mind’s innocent misunderstandings. Ultimately, I find myself returning to a place of sanity where I can… be still, open up, fear less, and love more.
But what I love even more is giving my attention to people one-on-one and going on a journey together to support them in finding the same thing. I can’t “do the work” for you, but I can hold a space that clears away some confusion and makes things a little more obvious. Then, we can watch the miracle together and see it through your eyes.
- Are you ready/willing, or curious to stop fighting, running, or hiding?
- What is the great love in your life that’s gently waiting to be seen, felt, and shared?