What kind of effort am I talking about? The kind of effort where you’re trying to do something that you don’t really want to do. This trying, this effort, is like forcing yourself to change. The force is often accompanied by a violent internal dialog that thinks something is wrong with you, and you shouldn’t be like you are.
Furthermore, this effort tries to manipulate you into changing. In some way or another, it says… “If you change, if you be how I want you to be, then… I’ll love you.”
Naturally, this simultaneously says… “I don’t love you… right now.”
Imagine for a moment, you’re in a relationship with someone, and they say this to you. “If you change, then I’ll love you.” How do you think that with play out? Since that person is clearly confused about what love really is, do you really think that after you change, their love is going to be sincere? Or, are they just going to be nice to you for a little while – until they find something else they can blame you for, as a way of avoiding their own inner issues and self-judgment?
Real change doesn’t happen because “you’re supposed” to change. Real change happens because you see deeply that it’s what YOU want; the real you, btw. Not what your ego wants in order to be validated by the world.
Here’s the thing… of all the habits, patterns, and behaviors that you might want to change, answer this question.
- How many of those things, are a form of being unkind to yourself (body, heart, or mind)?
What we might call negative habits, patterns, and behavior, are really a form of self-punishment that results from seeing yourself as undeserving of Love; your own love, you don’t match the imagined in your mind of ‘how you should be.’
This creates a vicious cycle of self-judgment, which only fuels and gives power to… unhelpful ways of being (habits, patterns, and behaviors).
Playful & Compassionate Curiosity
Effortless change? It’s not to say there isn’t some degree of challenge. However, it’s a welcomed challenge because you see, deeply, that not only is it what you want most, but it’s also a deep expression of self-love and healing.
Part of the dilemma is that we think it’s serious. Serious in the way that if you don’t change, you’ll be less deserving of love, or you’ll be rejected. You will lose imaginary points in the future. Actually, though, this has very little to do with the future, and everything to do with extending to yourself the love that you crave.
Sure, we can fast-forward 10 years and see that if you keep this up, there might be disastrous consequences as it relates to your quality of life. However, if you’re in a state of not liking yourself now, then those consequences carry little relevance. I guess if you need to scare yourself into change, that might work for you.
What I’m suggesting is a compassionate curiosity that’s willing to look at why these patterns are even there, to begin with. Often what we discover is that these patterns aren’t even your patterns! They are the product of social conditioning. To blame yourself for these habits, patterns, and behaviors is quite absurd.
To take a step back and look at them, what we see is that it makes perfect sense they are there. “Of course, you respond like that. Of course, something in you thinks this is helping. Of course, of course, of course.” At one point in time, this appeared to be helpful, it appeared to keep you safe.
However, in your growth of awareness, being able to see more of the bigger picture, the now question is… is this really helping???
And I’ll tell you what… if you think it’s helping, then Good! 😂 Keep doing it. I just invite you to pay attention and be more and more honest with yourself. I’m not here to tell you what you should or should not do. I just want to encourage you to do what genuinely honors and celebrates your human! That’s for you to decide; just be honest with yourself.
For those things that clearly are not honoring your human, and you see they are denying LOVE for your human, then you start to WANT to not want them. You start to want/crave/desire the opposite, or whatever is reflective of the love you crave.
Doing what you WANT to do, is infinitely easier than trying to stop doing what you clearly want to do (or at least what you clearly “Think” you want to do).
So… STOP trying to change. 🙊
Relax, and watch your human do what it does. WITHOUT criticizing, judging, or withholding love.
Also, you don’t need to change everything all at once. Just pick little things that are actually ready to change. This might create momentum and encourage other parts to see that it’s okay to change if they really want to.
Okay, I’m gonna stop there. So much more to say, but… this is just an email.