I had a realization the other day about conflict and how in our effort to resolve it, we can miss the real opportunity of healing conflict and allowing for something more amazing or impactful to be seen and experienced.
For some or most, what it means to resolve conflict is to “get what I want.” As in… “If only they did what I wanted, then there wouldn’t be any conflict.”
That’s kind of (compassionately) hilarious.
With this confusion, we take on the role of a tyrant who feels that conflict is the result of other people and the world not being how they are supposed to be. Therefore, their mission is to figure out how to manipulate other people in an effort to get what they want.
In my experience, there’s a completely different approach to healing relationship conflict. However, it’s extremely unpopular if you think the real prize of life is somewhere in a distant and imaginary future.
If I am to genuinely resolve the conflict I have with another person, I have to dive into myself and see what the real issue is that is fueling the conflict. Naturally, this is the unpopular part because the knee-jerk assumption is that I’m in conflict because of the ‘other’ person.
What I always recognize, is that what appears to be an external conflict with another, is mirroring a conflict I have with myself. And, effectively, I’m looking to the other person to resolve my own inner dilemma.
Conflict with another person always comes with fearful flavors of resentment and projections of guilt, which, are always a self-resentment and self-guilt being projected onto another. This is the inner conflict; in some way, I’m at war with myself and if I get really honest, deeply honest, my problem is not the other person at all.
I’m scared. I’m afraid that if I don’t get what I want (in the future) then I will somehow be proven to not be enough. This includes the loss of anything I’m holding on to in the world that perceives my self-image as being enough.
This really speaks to the human struggle in the world, innocently trying to hold on, maintain, or build upon an illusory self-image that seeks wholeness in some imagined future. Understandably.
This is the inner-war, the inner conflict, where I might see myself as ‘not enough’ and I try to remedy it by going to war with myself in order to be enough in the future. This fearfully translates into seeing other people, circumstances, and the world as potentially being in my way.
As I’ve mentioned, 10,000 times, this is the result of an innocent misunderstanding about what I really am. I’ve confused what I really am with who I ‘think’ I am, and the imagination of who I think I am (ego) is struggling to become real. In this struggle (conflict) it is looking for others to validate my ego’s reality. Naturally, the ego consistently finds evidence of its non-reality (not getting what it wants, not having control, or not being validated by others), and then seeks to punish itself and others for this inevitable failure. (ouch! 🤕)
The Healing of Relationship Conflict
The doorway to healing relationship conflict, at least for me, is always a deeper acknowledgment of the real (or more sincere) issue. There is a profound power here, a power that recognizes that the other person doesn’t have my power. If you look at the nature of conflict, there is the idea that the other person has, in some way, the key (power) for you to be able to return to wellness.
When, and if, I can genuinely see this, I also recognize that I’m blaming the other person. Blaming them for not giving me what they cannot actually give me (because they don’t have the real key). I recognize the error in my perception; I recognize how I’m not seeing myself, others, and reality clearly; and… 😬 I am misperceiving in a way that’s trying to hold on to my illusory self-image.
HEALING… is always a healing of perception; it’s seeing more of what is true and letting go of the illusions I innocently hide behind because I’m scared of what is true. Healing is NOT, changing something in myself, changing other people, or changing circumstances. As in a conditional healing that says… “I will be healed, IF…”
Okay… So, what if someone has a conflict with you, but you don’t have a conflict with them?
Well, this newsletter is getting pretty long, so let me invite you to ask yourself a question.
Do you have a conflict with their conflict?
If you do, then you’re still in conflict. Wanting people to not have conflict with you, will result in the same pattern of pushing them away until you get what you want.
To not have conflict with their conflict, you’ll find an open space that is genuinely open to listen to them, or/and to genuinely release them to their journey in complete love. You might have to dig deep and be radically honest with yourself about whether that real love is there or not; there is, of course, the possibility of pretending to be spiritual about it, when really you’re twisted on the inside about it.
Big Hug to You
