Quote: “This, is the evolution of a HeartBased Human; traveling a path that brings us close to the real heart of what we are, and the real heart of Life itself.”
Pain is a teacher, and it’s a great reminder. One area where pain shows itself is in the experience of “Self-Abandonment.”
What is… Self-Abandonment?
Self-abandonment refers to neglecting one’s self-sincerity and well-being. It involves disregarding one’s own feelings, values, and self-commitments to please others, conform to societal expectations, and… to give in to lower-level human urges.
When exploring our direct experience of “self-abandonment,” it’s important to minimize or remove the self-judgment that often comes with it.
- No; just because you abandoned yourself, it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person. However, it probably does mean there’s a valuable learning opportunity.
Self-judgment intensifies the pain, moving pain into the realm of suffering. It’s not required to suffer over self-abandonment, although, it’s quite common because we are so quick to judge ourselves as “bad” for it.
Having an attitude of curiosity can help here, where we are honest about the pain being felt, and we seek to understand a bit more as to why we would subject ourselves to such pain.
Why Would I Abandon Myself?
- “Why would we abandon ourselves in this way?”
Hmm, the “why.” It seems there are infinite stories to tell here, and sure, those stories can be helpful in navigating a more in-depth understanding. Yet, for myself, behind all these stories, what I find is the same conclusion expressed in one of two ways.
- I was afraid of not being enough, so I sacrificed what was “good” for me in the hopes I might be enough in the future.
- I was afraid that I wasn’t enough, so I punished myself by way of doing something “bad” that would prove it true.
Every story I can tell about why I abandoned myself, even if that story blames someone else, is rooted in a fear that revolves around the loss or absence of my worth and value. Quite honestly, this root of fear can, at times, be difficult to see because I believe so much in my surface story. Again, the story is fine, but the story is an illustration that points to something deeper.
Maybe another gentle way of expressing it, as a third option, is…
- I simply got lost and started looking for myself in places I am not; like in the minds of others or in the things of this world.
Feel & Explore the Pain of Self-Abandonment
What lends itself to an opportunity of healing (or correcting) the tendency of self-abandonment (as with all things), is a more profound understanding that ultimately unveils more self-compassion.
I feel it’s safe to say that it’s impossible not to have “more compassion” when we understand something more deeply. In fact, the lack of compassion is simply our unwillingness to understand something.
Our unwillingness to understand is the (beautiful) human tendency to avoid experiencing more pain, along with exposing ourselves to the unknown. It’s like saying…
- If I’m going to understand this more deeply, I have to admit that there’s something I don’t know.
- Or, if I am going to understand this more deeply, it means I will have to look at it, and… it both hurts and scares me.
If you’re like me, then you’re probably a master at finding reasons and excuses as to why you either don’t have to explore this pain, why it’s not relevant, or why you don’t have time.
Really, though, this avoidance only compounds the issue. It’s another form of self-abandonment that abandons our… original self-abandonment.
Then, as life goes on, we find crafty ways of hiding from the reality of what’s going on. And, sure, we are avoiding it at times without even knowing we are avoiding it. Eventually, as we consistently abandon ourselves, everything comes crashing down, and we have to meet the reality of what’s been happening the whole time.
I really hope you see the self-forgiveness here, that shows itself with more understanding; that… maybe you were abandoning yourself without even realizing you were abandoning yourself. That’s okay. You are learning, we are all learning, and this is how we learn.
Pain Invites a Clarity that Brings Healing
As I’ve said a thousand times, and I will continue to do so, pain is an alarm that attempts to get our attention, so we might see things more clearly.
Pain is the result of something being “out of alignment” with the truth of things. In the context of “self-abandonment,” abandoning yourself is painful because it pulls you out, or away from, the truth of what you are.
“You are not worthy or loved as you are, so you must therefore surrender your sovereignty to something or someone else.”
This is where the pain comes from. The emotional pain does not come from what is or is not happening, it comes from the ways we separate ourselves (through perception) from Love, from Life, from God.
Pain, is a messenger from Love, that says…
- “My dear, stop, be still, see what’s true about you, and come home.”
Because we don’t see ourselves clearly, which is completely understandable given the nature of our conditioning, we seek to find ourselves in the most impossible of ways. All of those impossible ways, are simply ways of self-abandonment.
We are looking for ourselves where we are not. We are looking for our worth and value in places where we will never find it. As we look for it there, in those impossible places, we have to abandon ourselves.
For example; an example I use often.
If I want someone else to accept me, which is trying to find myself in their opinion of me, then I have to be what I think they want me to be. Doing so, also says, “I cannot be myself.”
Therefore, I abandoned myself in the hopes of this other person approving of me.
In this example, you will immediately or eventually encounter pain. This pain is the declaration that says…
- “You are not worthy as you are, you are not loved as you are, you are not free to be you as you are.”
- These are all statements of self-abandonment.
Yes; it can be Hard & Scary
Please hear me here, I genuinely understand how difficult this can be. Even as I write these words, I get flooded with personal examples of how much I struggle with this as well. There’s a part of me that’s terrified of letting go of what I think I want from others, and coming home to the heart and truth of what I am. Yes, it’s scary at times.
Yet, this is the journey I’ve been on my whole life, and that journey of “continually coming” home isn’t coming to an end any time soon. To examine this journey, what I see is that, in some way, it’s been a journey of… “Giving myself back to myself.” This, for me, is the same as “Giving myself back to the heart of what I am,” which is the same as. “Giving myself back to the heart of Life.”
Above all else, above any worldly achievements, successes, or even failures and defeats, what has brought the most healing and reward for my human journey is… “Less self-abandonment,” and more… “Seeing myself clearly and honoring the sincerity and truth of what I am.”
This, is the evolution of a HeartBased Human, traveling a path that brings us close to the real heart of what we are, and the real heart of Life itself.
A Container for Devoted Hearts
You know, as I write this, my heart is melting a bit. As I live my human life, getting lost in nonsense from time to time, I can’t help but come back to just how important this is.
- “This,” being… “The HeartBased Devotion to consciously engage this journey of seeing myself, others, and life more clearly.”
What could be more important than this? My goodness. What could be more valuable and ultimately bring more value to ALL areas of my life? Nothing.
Even though, at times, I convince myself there’s something more important, I always find myself coming back to this sacred truth; this invitation to surrender the nonsense and come home.
I’ve built, and continue to build, a company (HeartBased.io) that serves this “beautifully selfish” purpose. The company acts as a container that is both my spiritual practice and an avenue to be in service to the heart of others (my brothers and sisters on this journey) and the heart of Life.
My Vision: To build a container for HeartBased humans, who also see just how important this discovery is, and do everything I can to support them in their journey of seeing themselves, others, and life more clearly.
Not… for a million people, and not for the biggest audience possible, but for the sincere ones who deeply resonate with my particular flavor of sharing and teaching.
As you might know… I do this in 3 ways
- Free content like this newsletter, along with videos, audio, and the like.
- Private paid online community and group training for devoted hearts.
- And, in some (perfect) cases, I work with people one on one.
Oh, and of course, occasional 12 to 15-person retreats where we (in some way) come together to melt into our hearts and celebrate the miracle of life and being human.
If your heart deeply resonates with my heart, and you would like to be part of a devoted opportunity/container to be supported on your journey…
Well… Let’s explore that possibility.
I’m making myself available to have short conversations with people to figure out their next steps and to see where and how I might be able to support them.