Quote: The more I realize and accept that I cannot fully understand you, the more I let go of you; I give you back to yourself.
Relationship communication is a skill that, when developed, helps you avoid unnecessary pain and suffering.
In my own life, it’s clear how my inability to communicate effectively, coupled with my inability to genuinely hold space for the other person, created a painful barrier between myself and the experiences I truly desired.
The Art of Communication
The master artist, perhaps a painter, finds themselves fully engaged in the creation process. There is freedom where the art is free to be art; no demands, no expectations. Instead, within the artist is an empty space that allows the true expression to reveal itself.
It’s as if the artist cultivates a space of non-judgment, gently inviting the spirit of authenticity to come out of hiding.
The artist… gets out of the way.
In communication, it’s easy to assume that it’s just about words, about what people say or don’t say. However, it’s about so much more, including the space we cultivate and hold for one another to truly express and be ourselves — unfiltered, raw, and real.
Our inability to cultivate this space should be considered an alarm that shouts, “Hey, there’s some inner work to be done here!”
The Illusion of Understanding
How often do you believe you understand someone, but in reality, you are just making assumptions? To dive deeper, how much do these assumptions hide the illusions you’re clinging to, whether that be what you’re afraid to lose, or what you assume the other person should or shouldn’t do?
If that’s challenging to comprehend, then reverse the situation and ask, “how many times has someone claimed they understand me, but it became evident they did not?”
There’s a profound insight here about how we don’t truly understand each other and, in a real way, the mind is incapable of truly understanding someone else. However, there’s a deeper level of understanding that’s found in the freedom that releases any ‘need’ or demand to understand.
The more I realize and accept that I cannot fully understand you, the more I let go of you; I give you back to yourself. I acknowledge that your expression is an opportunity for me to discover what exists within me. Understanding you is more about me understanding myself.
Holding Space
Your ability to “hold space,” where the other person feels free to think and feel authentically without fear of judgment or misunderstanding, allows for profound and meaningful connections.
Real communication is the freedom to express oneself, which gives us the opportunity to understand ourselves more fully. So, when I engage in communication with another, I recognize that this is a chance for both of us to understand ourselves better.
What it’s not… is an opportunity for me to get what I want, avoid what I fear in the future, or gain some form of silly control over the other person.
You see, just like the nature of relationships themselves, if we misunderstand the ‘point of relating,’ we enter into it with assumptions that ultimately create a mess of the situation. If I assume that communication is about me avoiding what I fear, then I will take personally everything the other person says, which only pushes away the deeper opportunity.
When “They” Cannot Hold Space
The challenge becomes even more evident when you are the one yearning to express your authenticity, only to be met with resistance, misunderstanding, or indifference.
It’s quite common that we, or you, might have some grasp of this genuine space-holding, but your relationship partner, or communication partner, seems incapable of holding such a space for you.
In such moments, setting the tone before we communicate can be helpful and supportive. By asking for permission to share, making it clear it’s not about them but a need to vocalize our inner world, we invite them into our experience as witnesses, not defendants or judges.
This approach doesn’t just disarm; it opens a door to a sacred space where vulnerability meets acceptance, where being heard transcends being right or wrong.
Example: “Hey, I’m wondering if I can share with you what’s going on inside of me. It would be helpful to know that what I think and feel isn’t really about you, and I’d like the space to just speak freely to understand myself more. Are you available to listen?”
The Reflective Challenge
The journey towards mastering this art is as much about allowing others their freedom of expression as it is about recognizing our role in the dance. If we yearn for a space where our thoughts and feelings can roam free, we must first inquire about how we extend—or withhold—this same freedom to others.
It’s a poignant reminder that the difficulty we encounter often mirrors our own challenges in providing the very thing we seek from others.
For the one who assumes others are terrible at holding space, the opportunity is to investigate if this is just a reflection of where you might be terrible at it. Yes, that might not be fun to see or hear, but it’s an important inquiry.
You Need Support
As humans, apparent parts of a whole, we need each other to serve as mirrors. Relationships are these mirrors that help us see ourselves more clearly.
In the journey of conscious evolution, we must find quality support. If the people in your life cannot provide a genuine space for you to feel and think freely, then I would suggest that it’s an urgent matter for you to find people who can.
In fact, if that is the case, I would boldly (and playfully) claim, it’s a reflection of just how poorly you see yourself. If you don’t have such people in your life, maybe it’s because you think you don’t deserve such people.
Again, that might be a tough mirror to stare into. However, this is also a beautiful mirror that invites the classic “holy shit” moment. Perhaps it’s time to honor yourself, and invite the genuine support you need, so you can finally feel safe and supported in your authenticity.
I can promise you, that as you do, the mirror on the outside will transform. Rather than seeing a world that’s unable to hold space for you, you will create a world full of humans that honor and respect you — for you.
If my ‘network’ or circle of community doesn’t seem to honor and respect me. Well… that’s just a mirror for me to see how I see myself.
If you want to explore the possibility of joining my small community of heart-based humans who value this journey and these discoveries, or… you would like to explore how I can personally support you more directly, we should probably talk.
What’s the Deep Divers’ Group (DDG)?
- An optional opportunity to connect with myself and the group on Thursdays, for an instructional deep dive into conscious living. Also, members support other members, building relationships and holding space for each other.
Working with me 1 on 1?
- As a mentor, I guide people on a six-month journey to help them reconnect with a more grounded, loving, and playful version of themselves so they can thrive in all areas of life.
Where to start?
- Well… let’s talk about it.
With warmth and deep respect for your journey,
Tiger 🐯
