Quote: “Real healing isn’t about me making life how I want it to be. Real healing… is in my openness to see myself, others, and life more clearly.”
As a small child, I would find places to hide in the house where I could focus on picking at my wounds. For some reason, as wounds started to heal, I would religiously remove the scab of crusted blood. Not only would it delay the healing process, but it would also create a more painful experience for myself.
I couldn’t do this in front of my parents, of course, because it wouldn’t be allowed. I had to go somewhere safe where no one could see me. Then, and only then, I could torture myself and interrupt the healing process. Oddly, I somehow believed, or convinced myself, that I was helping the healing process.
Perhaps there is an important insight I’ve gleaned from these experiences: picking at wounds not only delays the healing process but also creates more pain.
The Wound is Where Light Enters You
Rumi’s famous quote:
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.”
Practically, when the body gets a scratch (a wound), there is intelligence that automatically starts the healing process. We could say that this intelligence is the body’s intelligence. However, that, in my opinion, greatly diminishes the power of what’s really going on.
The intelligence that initiates healing is not only found in something called “a body”, it’s found… everywhere and in everything. Whatever the wound, and in whatever dimension of experience, there is intelligence that desires to bring that disharmony back into harmony.
This intelligence, in my view, is a single intelligence; a single source of power that not only touches everything but is also that which gives life to everything. Of course, we could also call this intelligence – the Light. However, and importantly, whatever name you give it pales in comparison to what it really is and its impact on all that is.
Our wounds are doorways to a deeper intelligence; an opportunity for us to receive Life’s healing – in different forms and in many ways.
Resisting the Light of Healing
Something that I find curious and fascinating is that I (this character called Tiger) cannot make or force my body to heal. What I can do is get out of the way and allow the body to heal. The more I “try” to heal or the more I think it’s up to me, the more I end up picking at scabs and making things worse.
To get out of the way doesn’t mean I do nothing, practically speaking. Rather, there’s a dramatic shift in my approach. It’s the difference between these two questions:
- How can I make this wound go away as fast as possible? (forcing it)
- How can I support and nurture the healing process that’s already happening? (allowing it)
The first question is resisting the wound, and it assumes that I am the one who will do the healing. The second question is acknowledging the wound and willing to “hold a beautiful and supportive space” that allows Life to heal.
Why would I resist the wound? Well, in the most direct way of speaking because I think it makes me look bad, and I want to control it. In my effort to control it, all I’m doing is picking at it (creating more pain and delaying the process). In my resistance to it, my judgment of it, I’m taking it personally – while also being afraid of it.
It’s worth noting as well that one of the ways the ego likes to keep its authoritative control is by inflicting pain on self or others or engaging in self-harm. The pain is like a form of self-validation. We punish ourselves as a way of validating ourselves. This “self-harm” comes in many forms and can quickly become a survival pattern.
Allowing the Light to Enter You
How can we transform our resistance into an openness that allows for healing to happen?
Well, that’s a beautiful question; thank you for asking 😉
(long writing pause)
Gosh, as I sit here, the only thing that comes to mind are two very distinct questions.
- Are you willing to let go of what you think this wound means about you?
- Do you want your idea/fantasy of healing, or do you want the real thing?
As adorable human beings, in so many situations, we are in some way asking the question… “How can I let go but still hold on.” Or, “How can I let go of what I want but still make sure I get it – if I still want it?”
Fundamentally, we are just scared. Can we start there? We are scared that maybe the miracle of life isn’t really a miracle. We are scared that maybe Life will forget about us. Or, perhaps, we are scared that we might not get what we think we want or –what we think – we need.
Fear is the resistance. Fear resists what is, and where there is fear – allowing life to be life isn’t much of an option.
Why is there fear? Some of you know what I’m about to say…
Because there’s an innocent misunderstanding.
In the context of allowing wounds to heal, the fear that resists healing is doing so because of our relationship with the wound. We look at the wound and assume it means something about us that it doesn’t really mean. Most notably, we assume, in some way, that it means we are less than.
Of course, this is what energizes the fight (resistance) against it. This projected meaning, or assumption, turns the wound into an enemy. Maybe you can also see that in your judgment of the wound, seeing it as an enemy, there’s also a judgment toward life, that sees life as an enemy.
How could you let the light of life come in if you also think that life is your enemy?
Here is what effectively is happening…
- I have a wound
- I create a story that says the wound means I’m not enough
- I blame the wound (and life) for the story “I” am telling
- I turn the wound into my enemy, even though my story is not the wound’s fault.
- I push away Life and the wound, by either picking at it or ignoring it (same thing).
- I make the wound worse, and then blame the wound, even more, for not doing what I want.
How’s that going? I know, not well.
Forgive and Nurture the Wound
The only real solution I see here is to forgive and draw near to the wound, and then bring genuine care to assist the natural healing process.
It’s important to understand that whatever actions you take to fix, heal, or assist, all those actions can be done from an energy of love or fear. You can seek out support with an intention to violently eviscerate the wound, or you can have the intention to bring love and kindness to the wound. You can stitch up a wound with hatred or with a compassionate and loving touch.
Because of this, the answer isn’t so much in what you do or don’t do, the answer is in… how do you see the wound, what is your relationship with it?
If I get a scratch on my arm, and it opens up a wound, sure, life is going to “do” the healing part. However, if the scratch is sufficient, then I can take the necessary precautions to create a better environment for healing. I don’t just say, “Oh well, life will fix it.”
Necessary precautions, in the context of emotional wounds, can show up in different ways for different people. Again, regardless of the action or specific precaution, remember that we are bringing energy with it. What’s most important is my relationship with the wound.
In fact, the better my relationship is with the wound, I’m more open and available to see beneficial ways I can support the healing process.
Nurturing Emotional Wounds
Playfully speaking, there are two options when nurturing an emotional wound.
Option One… for nurturing an emotional wound.
Improve the quality of space around the wound.
To improve the space, of course, I must first be willing to acknowledge the wound. I can see that I’m hurting, I can see what seems to be contributing to that hurt, and now I need some quality space to draw near to that hurt and give it the proper love and attention. Sure, that might also mean eliminating some things in the space, if I can, if those things are not assisting me in showing up with love and care for the wound.
Give yourself and the wound space to breathe, space to heal. I’m always pointing in the direction of seeing that our emotional disturbances are a result of innocently misunderstanding our experience.
Our emotional pain is the result of interpreting experience in a way that does not honor the truth of what is; not because we are bad or wrong (that would be another incorrect interpretation), but because we are innocently mistaken. We are still growing, as we “unlearn” the fearful ways we’ve been conditioned to see ourselves, others, and life.
Option Two… for nurturing an emotional wound.
Seek out support… to help you improve the quality of space around the wound
There are and have been times when I’m deeply struggling with an emotional wound, so much so, that I can’t seem to avoid the traps of making that wound worse. In those times, what “saves” me is my willingness to seek support.
Having a community of friends I can go to who don’t judge me for my humanness, but genuinely understand that sometimes life is just very hard. It greatly helps me find my capacity to… be still, fear less, and love more. They help me to improve the quality of space around the wound, so I can breathe and let the wound breathe.
What I also see is that when I don’t seek support, when I’m deeply struggling, it’s because I’m embarrassed by my struggle. This embarrassment shows me that my relationship with the wound is one where I assume the wound means I’m less than. I see the wound as in the way, and my embarrassment wants to hide from the wound; which, as mentioned, is a way of ignoring it, of pushing it away, of judging it, and all that is like picking at the wound.
This, in part, is why I’m so passionate about creating the focused container (space) that I’m calling “The HeartBased Deep Divers’ Community.” Maybe it’s just a fantasy of mine, but it sure is a beautiful one.
I’m inspired by holding space for others, to help them improve the quality of space they can bring to themselves and others. I’m inspired by the opportunity to educate and train people to not only bring more love, compassion, and freedom to their lives, but to also create a community where people are directly supporting others in doing the same.
As we support each other, as we hold space for others, we are effectively training ourselves to be better at holding space for our own precious hearts.
Real Healing vs. The Fantasy of Healing
To wrap this up, I just want to say a few words about the illusion of healing that seems to separate us from the reality of healing.
As with everything, there is our idea about it, and then there is the reality of it. Just like in relationships, we can create a fantasy of the perfect relationship, but the reality of a relationship will always include some things we don’t want. Yet, it’s the things we don’t want, the hard things, the challenging things, that contribute to the real growth opportunity that comes from a relationship.
From what I see, the fantasy of healing is focused on an external transformation. As in…
- “When the outside looks how I want it to look, then I (or it) will be healed.”
- “When another person (or myself) starts acting how I want them to act, then they will be healed. So… because they don’t do what I want, I see them as unhealed.”
What is Real Healing, Really?
“Healing” is the process of becoming whole.
But again, we have to ask, “Is this our fantasy (our idea) of becoming whole, or is it the real thing?”
As we explored earlier, the important question or inquiry revolves around our relationship with the wound. For it is our relationship with the wound that determines what seems to be the reality of our experience.
We can assume that our experience is determined by the wound, which is to blame the wound. However, if you look closely, your experience of the wound is only to experience “how you see the wound.”
If “healing” is the process of becoming whole, it is also the process of becoming less separated. What I mean by that, “less separated,” is also like seeing that fewer things are missing, fewer things are broken, fewer things are misplaced. Naturally, this is also saying “less fear and more love.”
Just like with transformation in your relationship with the wound, the healing isn’t so much in changing the wound, the healing is in seeing the wound more clearly. As you see the wound more clearly, you have less fear about the wound, and then you naturally introduce more love for the wound. This transformation in how you see the wound is the real healing we are looking for.
The fantasy of real healing for the wound is like…
- “If only I didn’t have this wound, then I would be healed; then I would be whole and complete.”
That fantasy blames the wound, it fears the wound, and it says that the wound is undeserving of love. This “fantasy of healing” separates you from wholeness, it’s proclaiming that you are unwhole until life (or yourself) looks how you want it to look.
The reality, though, is that the wound doesn’t mean you’re unwhole at all. In fact, it doesn’t mean anything about you; it’s “not about you.” The reality, more so, is that this wound is inviting your loving care and attention. The wound is inviting you to come back to yourself; the wound is inviting you into wholeness, not away from it.
This is the real healing… I see
Real healing isn’t about me making life how I want it to be. Real healing… is in my openness to see myself, others, and life more clearly. As I do, I see there is less to fear, and in seeing there is less to fear, I experience less separation. Less separation, automatically means I experience more wholeness.
Real healing… is the healing of perception, which affects the totality of my experience, the totality of everything I see.
The light that heals all wounds is the light of awareness; an intelligence that knows everything is already whole and complete. Nothing needs to be feared, for all is worthy of love, including the reality of what you are.
I love you.
If you’d like to explore our upcoming little family of support, the “HeartBased Deep Divers’ Community,” you can learn more here.
As of now, September 2023, I’m in the stage of seeing what’s possible and how it might unfold.